The me Before Meeting Brian

My mom, Peggy, and me

​I know every part of this outfit and hair. A meticulous cut by this guy in Seattle. A vintage coat from a re-sale shop. A hand-dyed slate blue dress. A hand-crocheted wool vest with a modern spin. Purple knit tights and oxblood knee high boots with a buckle across the top. 
This is me on the outside.

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The most pulled together I had ever felt I had been. Pulled together to hide the inside. A waitress at Trattoria Mitchelli's. A recent abortion with monetary and other support by Gary. A gift of a mission style rocking chair to support my healing and squelch his guilt? Deborah  was my confidant and wiser person by my side. 

There were two aging artists at Trattoria who knew what was going on. Not because I told them, but because they could see me, they had experience, and they cared. 

I had crabs because it wasn't enough to have had an abortion. Chris was an insistent sex partner who had given me crabs without informing me. That was the last straw of the dating scene for me and I declared from that moment that I would no longer be used. Instead, I would use every man I met, then spit them pout when I was done. 

I was afraid to use the towels at home because of the crabs. I was afraid my family would see my paleness and fragility and know the truth about the abortion.

So much to hide.

I think in retrospect Dad knew. Not the details - only that his daughter was struggling. And that the best place to be when you are struggling is to come home. In some ways - yes. 

This is the me that came home - shining like I always do, almost as if I am in a chariot. Such a strong need to hide it all. 

Did anyone see that in the photo?

Then - as often happens in life - things shifted and began clearing. I met Brian. Since I had "renounced" all men, I wouldn't give him my address. But from the minute I said goodbye as he left the plane in Portland and I flew onto Seattle, I regretted it. I thought of him constantly. When the letter from him arrived at Trattoria Mitchellis, I couldn't believe it. How had he figured out where to find me? He said in the letter it was as if I was an angel sent to meet him. But I think an angel sent him to me - because he became my love, my anchor and stability.