 Leah's last day in her body on Mahashivaratri I feel very restless, irritable and sad. Leah died two days ago. I couldn't believe how long, drawn out and dramatic it all was. How hard it was for me to stay present with the process. How many times I felt a screaming inside my head to DO something. As if I could stop it. As if I could change the outcome of her process. As it was, Leah died on Mahashivaratri, the most auspicious day of the year for Shiva Devotees.
For seven days I thought she was dying. Every night Brian and I and Kala slept near her and everyday she rallied at some point. Every day Saskia and I face-timed and Leah responded to Saskia. She even started eating and drinking again - until the last 24 hours. I thought she had pulled through and she would see Saskia again this summer.
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 She’s not that old for a cat. Eleven and a half. A year ago she climbed into a seat that I had made for Swamiji covered in silk sarrees. These seats or asanams hold powerful energy and are only for Swamji. But when Leah curled up and lay in Swamiji’s lap for almost 24 hours, I thought something was wrong with her. Leah knew it, and sought out the best place for healing.
After a full day of sleeping in the lap of Swamiji, she went outside. When she came back to the house, she was dragging both back legs, paralyzed. Over the summer she gradually regained most of her mobility but by fall she had lost muscle control of her bowels. Saskia nursed her through the summer, giving up her bed to Leah and sleeping on the floor, anything to make Leah more comfortable. Brian and I took over Leah's care when she went back to University. I gave the technical care, feeding and cleaning up the daily messes, which I hated. Brain sat with her every night and loved her. A few weeks ago I called Saskia to tell her that something had shifted in Leah and I thought the end was near. There was no outward symptoms, she just seemed much lower energy. Then suddenly a few days later, she was bleeding from a mass on her hind leg that had appeared almost overnight. We took her to the vet who said it was most likely cancer, but in the end the diagnosis was inconclusive. She received antibiotics and some homeopathic remedies. And her energy totally shifted. She ran down the hall, jumped up on a chair, jumped on a bed, and seemed more mobile than in ages. She pooped in the litter box which had not happened in months. I couldn't believe she had looked so close to death.  How many times do you have a deep knowing but without any logic or facts, or even reasons to support it? You just know it and want it. Once instance of this was naming Saskia.
My husband and I named our second daughter Saskia, an unusual name, but a name we both were drawn to instantly. It is a name that people find difficult, that my daughter feels has a harsh sound. I can understand why she feels that way with the with the sk consonants - the same sk sound that for me brings up images of Vikings. But that was not the feeling I had when we named her. The feeling the name evoked in me when I heard it is exactly what I think of as Saskia. |
Bodhanaa NithyanandaWriting to Discover and En-spire. Archives
April 2021
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