Recently my daughter was offered a job at Glacier. It inspired me to publish this blog I had written long ago: I had never felt the glory of God more closely than when I was hiking in Glacier National Park. The red ribbon candy of stone mountains, the heights to the skies. I felt that God was near me, all around me. It had been almost a desperation to find the feeling that God was near, to be surrounded by that feeling. Hiking five miles up a steep trail, going around a bend, then with a gasp taking in the sight of an unbelievably beautiful vista, was to be in the midst of something Godlike all around me and almost in me. This was a far cry from age 15 when I declared that I would “find” God at midnight of Christmas. I envisioned that something would happen in me and out of me, like bells would ring, or I would hear a voice, or I would become warm and enveloped in love and finally know God. I was up in the choir loft of the Catholic Church that I went to, St Rose, and felt a deep excitement for what was about to occur. I was dressed up, waiting, the mass droned on and on, finally midnight….and nothing. No bells, no voice, no warmth, no knowing, just me and me. A new declaration on my lips; no more God. Anger, frustration, hatred. No more God, no more church, no more expecting anything out of God. I had not told anyone it was going to happen so I didn't have to tell anyone about the failure. But in spite of that let-down, my desire to be alone in nature continued to push me. Being outside was the quiet, the softness, the place where I became a permeable membrane, where nature could pass in and out of me as I passed through it. I felt this over and over skiing at Sweezy’s pond before dinner, just as it was getting dark when I could not quite make out the physical boundaries anymore. Crepuscular. In this time of dusk and quiet, the world was magical. Some deep desire to push myself to see those remote places of beauty compelled me to hike, often alone for want of a hiking buddy with the same days off, that summer in Glacier. Hiking sometimes up to 20 exhausting miles at one stretch to see a waterfall. Hiking miles with a pack to reach a campsite, only to find it was closed because of recent bear activity. Lying in the dark in a tent with lightning and thunder crashing all around me praying that I would be alive in the morning. A constant fear of the grizzlies that were killing people in alarming numbers that summer. Sleep finally coming from the sheer exhaustion that terror was producing in me, deciding if I closed my eyes and died in the night that would be ok too. One morning hiking down from a pass I was surrounded by a herd of cows. On the outside I always tried to show a calm, but inside I was just as frightened of the cows as I was of the bears, the wind, the lightning, and of not appearing to look as if I knew exactly what I was doing. Glacier National Park was my first time out in the wilderness. I had a sleeping bag and backpack and all sorts of cheap camping items that you get at the camp store. Like when you are in girl scouts. The collapsible cup, a length of nylon rope, a first aid kit, a knife. I flew into Kalispell and was picked up by a quiet woman who may have tried to talk to me, but I don’t recall talking. I recall being incredibly scared, lonely, and super unsure. What if I brought the wrong stuff? What if I made huge mistakes and everyone saw? What if they all immediately realize that I have never been backpacking in my life? On the very first day we went to a glacier and were given ice picks and taught how to save ourselves from falling into a crevasse. This was the real thing. We had to practice falling, sliding out of control, then turning over and jamming the ice pick into the ice to arrest the fall. I was in some kind of fog, it was so unreal that I was even there, that I had gotten the internship. But I kept practicing falling. That summer I felt terror over and over with the Grizzly bears causing havoc. Hiking alone because I was unable to find hiking partners and I was determined to see as much as I could see that summer. Falling again and again. Because on every hike there was a point when I saw beauty so glorious that it left me in ecstasy. www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs Tina Turner's What's Love Got to Do With It
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