![]() Yesterday I returned from taking Asha to college. To college! It happened! I had flashes of so many moments with her from the past 19 years. 19 years! What a long time to spend with someone! What a long time to patiently, and impatiently guide, hold, support, protect, love, hate, cringe, and grow with a beautiful being. The flashes I had were of her as a three year old, already saying she was going to have a farm, a four year old saying she was not going to college, because she was having a farm. A five year old and I swinging, she asking, “When do I have to leave home”? And I said, “Most kids leave at 18, when they go to college”. And then regret for that answer because I had not yet realized that there were other possibilities, like going to community college, or that kids leave at different ages or that maybe she was asking a different question. She and her sister told me later that the answer,18 was cemented in them. When it boiled down to the final goodbye in front of Scotts Quadrangle, the whole college drama of going or not going was all fear. Fear of how to pay, fear of math, grades, failing, not fitting in, enduring four years of prison. All the fear seemed to boil down into the goodbye.
Maybe the fear was the goodbye all along. Maybe it was the leaving, carried through in my bio-memory. I had just returned from Shivoham, a three week process of Inner Awakening with Swamiji and four days later was taking her to college. During many of the Shivoham processes, a siddhi that kept coming up for me had to do with eyes. In many of the processes we did, I experienced eyes as a central feature, either having visions of eyes, or experiencing my own eyes intensely. At first, I knew intuitively that something within me was trying to open with the eyes, but I could never get it right, I could not find it. Was it where to focus the eyes? Was it an opening of the eyes? Was it what to look for in the eyes? When we imagined what siddhis we wanted, I imagined I could heal with my eyes, that when someone would look into my eyes they would be complete. Standing in front of Scotts Quad, because she was ready to say goodbye, because she did not want us to go into her room again, because she wanted Anna and her room and OU to be hers, we said goodbye. I stepped back and looked into her eyes. I thought of Shiva and held her eyes. I didn’t “know” what I was doing, and it felt it was as much for my healing as hers. In that moment I felt I had never looked into her in all 19 years. I saw the gray blue eyes. Just the eyes. Her eyes grew red as emotion came up. Mine too. And I just looked and held and looked and held and looked and held. As I write about it something deep in my belly longs to cry and howl. It is the same as when I look at Swamiji. Intense and overwhelming. I don’t know how to sort it out. Now I see Asha’s eyes. Or where the eyes took us. Something beyond and beneath. I am so grateful for the opening. What does it all mean? I birthed her and lived with her for most of 19.5 years. One of the biggest gifts of my life. Going to college is not like going to Seattle, or camp, or Ireland. When I went to college it meant no boundaries. I struggled to find new boundaries, to invent them, pushing to the outer edges. Without the house I grew up in and parents and rules, I swam in deep water, almost drowning many times. How will it be for Asha? What is her inner world paradigm? Is it clearer than mine was? Stronger? Because of course mine was strong enough that I survived, but was it necessary to go to the outer edge? How will she cope with sex, drugs, alcohol? What if she doesn’t survive? That is the big question inside of me. That is the fear. Did I teach her enough? Did I giver her enough practice, support, confidence? When I met Swamiji he said that if a child had the opportunity to spend time in spiritual practice before puberty, the child would have a spiritual anchor that would be there the rest of their life, allowing more clarity and confidence in both inner and outer life. The minute I heard this, it resonated deep in my being. I gave Asha the opportunity at age 12 to do just that, to go with me to India and be with Swamiji at the ashram, and Asha gave herself and me the opportunity again when she was fourteen. I have no doubt about the strength of the spiritual anchor and awakening that she received from Swamiji, and see that any fears and uncertainties are from my past and perceived incompletions, not hers. She experiences life intensely, living life, tasting life fully. I was with her for 19.5 years. I got to learn, grow, share, stretch, become who I am as a result of her. Now daily living is done. We parted, we separated, she is on her path, and mine will continue. Our merging eyes will never part. The consciousness is connected, with the deepest, utmost gratitude to Swamiji. Comments are closed.
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Bodhanaa NithyanandaWriting to Discover and En-spire. Archives
April 2021
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