I'm Leaving. My heart breaks and tears fill my eyes as I write these words for the first time. I allowed the words to surface about a month ago first in a vague foggy confused tumult of emotion. I saw the words rising up in recognition because I have encountered them before. I’m leaving. Why? Why can’t things go on forever? Why do I have to face this shaking up of my world, my system, my beliefs, my vows, my promises and vision? It feels like I am being undressed in front of my own mirror, watching myself undo becoming my undone. Not being able to bear the shame and humiliation of change. Those evil words. YOU CHANGED! Yes, I have. Dramatically. I have gained 30 pounds. (To understand rest and not doing)
I have cut off my 36 hip length jattas. (Exposing what’s next to come) I have added metal plates and screws to both arms. (As power, strength and protection) My circulatory system has changed. (So I can pay attention) I have shattered my elbow. (Facing a new direction) I have a new car that is reliable. (My vehicle transporting me to my known) I am carrying my mother, the water, the forest, my known, within me. I am.
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Bodhanaa NithyanandaWriting to Discover and En-spire. Archives
April 2021
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